10 Things My Daughter Will Reveal in Her Tell-All…

10 Things My Daughter Will Reveal in Her Tell-All…

Mom Jeanine
October 3, 2011


10 Things..., Books, hot topic, Jeanine Edwards

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Have you heard about Martha Stewart’s daughter’s new tell-all? I don’t think anyone believed Martha to be a saint, but from the leaked excerpts of Alexis’ book, Whateverland: Learning to Live Here, Martha may have been one crazy mom.

According to reports, Alexis alleges that on Halloween “There were no costumes. There was no anything.” She also says Martha went to the bathroom without closing the door and made her do everything perfectly.

Sounds scary, right? Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds a lot like me.When did I become Martha Stewart?

Okay, actually, I’m not at all like Martha. In the crafty, Susie homemaker sense anyway. But I can be a bit, umm, rigid when it comes to raising my daughter. So before she turns 21 and realizes I’ve scarred her for life, I’m preemptively airing my dirty laundry. Here are 10 of the things you’ll probably read in my daughter’s tell-all 20 years from now…

1. I’m paranoid. I sometimes suffer from debilitating fear that she will get hurt or kidnapped and as a result, I do crazy things. Like lock her in the bathroom while I shower…

2. I cancelled Halloween. I kind of hate Halloween, so when my daughter remarked she didn’t want a costume, I ran with it. Now, she’s totally okay telling everyone, “We’re not going to Halloween this year.” And I couldn’t be happier.

3. I lied. Like, a lot. Every day for at least six months I made up an array of lies about why I had to go to work and couldn’t stay home with my little girl. I’m not proud of it, but blame it on the mommy guilt.

4. I called her a drunk. It was only one time and it was in jest. I can’t really explain it–you had to be there.

5. We bathed together. My daughter actually asks me to get in the tub with her, so I can’t be 100% culpable for this. While she is 3, I think she appreciates her mom playing in the tub with her. When she is older, it will completely gross her out to think we were naked in such close proximity.

6. I didn’t close the door when I go to the bathroom. This is part of the paranoia, but I also don’t think it’s that disgusting to pee with the door open. It’s natural, we all do it, so what’s the big deal?

7. She slept with me. For a very long time. Most kids get a toddler bed when they’re about two or three, but not my daughter. We were still sleeping together way past her third birthday.

8. I put too much pressure on her to be smart. Although I think all parents want this for their children, I maybe went a little too far with TV restrictions and the flash cards.

9. I liked being a single mom. Maybe to the point of occasionally alienating her father. I’m not saying I purposely excluded him from anything, but his apathy made it pretty easy for me to get all mommy and me time my heart desired.

10. I sometimes let other kids bully her. Because I’m a pretty nonconfrontational person, I struggled for a long time with the right way to handle toddler conflict. The result? My daughter has been sucker punched and punked by other kids on more than one occasion.

11. I took all the fun out of birthday parties. Yeah, I know I said 10, but there’s one more. I never had very memorable birthdays as a child, so I feel the need to overcompensate for my daughter. I plan, and I stress and then I get anxiety. And everyone knows an anxious mommy is not a happy mommy.

What about you? What not-so-nice things will your child reveal in their tell-alls? Share in the comments.

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  • Hannah
    October 3, 2011

  • I’m so completely obsessed with “Whatever, Martha!” I loved that show. And honestly, I’m pretty sure my child will be scarred for life, too with numbers 1 & 8. I know a woman who carried a taser with her when she was pregnant, because she was scared someone would attack a pregnant lady at a mall… which is not so far fetched (which only feeds my crazy, thankyouverymuch!!).

    Also, I totally asked my husband if we could have our kids do little mini reports before dinner on something they learned that day. This is brilliant because:

    A) It will get them into the habit of learning outside of school
    B) It will get them into the habit of speaking about new topics authoritatively and in front of other people, and…
    C) It will make my kids super smart, and intimidate all the other children, and then my kids will start a multi-billion dollar tech empire, and support me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed.

    …..the husbinator disagree with this idea… he cannot have a part of my multi-billion dollar empire. More for me!

  • Beth
    October 4, 2011

  • #6. The BIG DEAL is that you, in a previous post about your insane paranoia, said that you also don’t let your daughter close the door when she uses the bathroom. You are teaching her nothing about privacy, and you are teaching her nothing about boundaries. You put yourself out there on this blog as a great parent, but. You. Really. Are. Not.

  • Mary
    October 4, 2011

  • This is about the 3rd time in as many months that you have posted this, or a very similar list. I am starting to think that you are proud of these things.

  • Kindall
    October 18, 2011

  • Beth and Mary, you two both need to back off and no this woman is NOT a bad mother and shame on you for insinuating that she was.

  • katherine
    September 11, 2012

  • Kindall, I agree with Beth and Mary. So there.